American Idol Season 5 Premiere: Chicago Auditions

Well...we're back! It's been a long summer and autumn with no American Idol. How did you pass the time? I'll tell you what I did. I dove right into the American Idol Money Making Machine and fed it some more fuel! In July, I fought tooth and nail to find someone (girls preferably) to see Kelly Clarkson in Atlantic City with me. I had to go through some bantering by my buddies who questioned my sexual orientation for a bit. I think they now realized that my obsession is just THAT unhealthy with the Best Idol winner yet! And, let me tell you....she put on quite a show! Things I have heard coming out of these concerts were that parents went because their kids wanted to see her, and left being hardcore fans. Naturally, I claimed that people I dragged to the show were actually the ones that dragged me! And of course, they left as fans too. That's the impression KC leaves on people. And I'm not going to stop promoting her until she disappoints me!

If that isn't enough embarrassment, I'm going to take it a couple steps further. In November, I bought Carrie Underwood's debut CD. I'm not a country fan by tradition, (I have dabbed in a little Garth and Shania here and there) but this album pretty damn good! I mean, there's definitely room for improvement, but the voice is there.....And that's what America fell in love with in Season 4. And the songs, even though cliche, are quite catchy! It's better than Kelly's first album....But nowhere near Breakaway's radar. I'm looking forward to her second effort, I'm sure it'll smash the country charts (this one isn't doing too bad). Can't say the same for good ol' Bo Bice. I saw him on Kimmel last night....I rolled my eyes and then rolled over to bed. Not everyone can have Kelly's success. Where's Clay by the way??? hahahaha (just a jab at our resident "Claymates")

I'm not done yet with the History lesson! As you may have seen, AI released its first DVD collection over the holidays...And I snatched that puppy right up. The Best and Worst of Seasons 1-4! Gotta say I was a bit disappointed in the BEST DVD. Although there is some quality Audition stuff with Carrie and Bo. But the WORST DVD is priceless! It's got a few on there I forgot about plus your Keith's ("Like A Virgin" Green Sweater boy) and William Hung's (no explanation required). Definitely a must have for every fan out there! Are you ashamed to know me yet?

Season 5 Premiere Recap Chicago Auditions
OK....onward to season 5. We're here!

Well now all we have to hold us over is MORE Auditions until we get to the real competition. And I gotta say...For me, it was just more of the same. But that doesn't mean I didn't watch every minute of it and laugh my butt off! But it's just getting a little "been there...Done that" for me. And it's getting more and more predictable. Seriously, if you're going to show someone's hometown and interview them, I'm going to guess that person made it to the next round and you're really pushing the American People to learn about these people and vote them through to the Top 12. I'm not stupid! We're not stupid!!!

But the thing is....No matter how fixed this competition is...No one cares! We're all still going to watch every damn minute they air! So that being said....We pretty much saw what our Top 12 is going to look like in the first 10 minutes of last night's Season Premiere. They showed the best singers in this year's competition. There was the Rock Guy that will rival Bo's greatness last year. There's the girl that sang Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone" and rocked it (we haven't seen her audition, but she's an early favorite for me....But I'm sure they'll be pushing for a guy to win this year). There's also the latin girl that I believe we'll see in tonight's Denver Auditions. So, they wanted to imprint these people into our heads and say "KEEP WATCHING AND WE'LL PROVE TO YOU THEY BELONG IN THE TOP 12!" That's fine. I'm glad they do the work for me. I'm pretty lazy! With that said...Let's bring on the BADDIES!

THE WORST OF CHICAGO


Ok...We'll touch on some of the worst auditions in a second. But I have to explain my favorite moment of the night...And it was the first note that I jotted down. The girl who got denied by the infamous trio was walking away with her head down and was trying to go up the down escalator!!! LOL. Oh my...It doesn't get any better than that. I may have rewound the TiVo a few dozen times!


Ok...So let's just list a few highlights from the bad auditions (because I have 30 names written down...We can't touch on them all!)


Katrina and the Humpty Dance - Okay...If you have a decent voice why would you ever decide to RAP. And rap the HUMPTY DANCE of all songs? (although I love the line about the "Burger King Bathroom" it's priceless!) And then of all things...she breaks into song in the middle of rapping. Naturally, the judges put an end to this. And when they asked her to sing a regular song...she was dumbfounded. Seriously?? You put all your hopes on the Humpty Dance? She probably wouldn't have gotten through anyway, but it did sound like she could carry a tune...Why not actually try? Well she did her "DUMBty dance" out the door! (I know...I'm a little rusty with the puns...I'll get better later in the season!)

Blue Moon Chick - Not much to say about her...Except that she couldn't get the words right and it was priceless...Then she went into another song....And returned to Blue Moon to butcher it again. I loved how the Judges just stayed silent on most of the bad ones last night. Not that I don't enjoy hearing Paula try to think up some words from her vast vocabulary, but the dead stares and people not knowing what to do is priceless as well!

Charles Berry - Chuck Berry? Seriously??? Apparently he auditioned 2 times before...But this time he wrote the AMERICAN IDOL song and sang it to the judges. It still sounded like he was making it up as he went.....And the guy just couldn't carry a tune, kinda sounded like a girl too. So Simon did what any of us would do....told the guy to Shave his beard, wear a dress and become a female impersonator! And then he put Paula in her place for telling someone to do voiceovers for Animated Rats. If this wasn't bad enough....Paula actually recommended Voiceover work for a girl in a prior season (See? My WORST of Seasons 1-4 DVD already coming in handy!)

Amanda R - I think she milked cows for a living....Only reason I mentioned it was because they told her to name a cow after Simon....And Paula said..."And call it MAD COWELL" lololol....ZING!

Christina - Tan Ashley Simpson/Paris Hilton wannabe. First thing I noted was that her Mom looks like a man. And naturally, Simon asked if her mom gave approval of her being 16 with an awful tan and for her attire. They brought the Mom in....And Simon saw all he needed to see. ahhh love unintentional comedy!

Statue Of Liberty Guy - "I'm from New York" No, really? "STAAAAART SPREADING THE....." Simon: "Thank You, Good bye"

Erik Lawton - Mom - "he makes me cry when he sings".....Don't worry mom..He made me cry too. And Simon's response "You sound like an Auntie" was new and exciting! Also sounded like a "cat in a bag" "meoooooooow" Simon...Stop purring!!


Ukraine Rhapsody - We had the Ukraine Girl and her Bohemian Rhapsody Striptease. Left the judges speechless and they beat around the bush about telling her to become a stripper. I mean....It WAS very entertaining! I don't even think my words could do the imagery justice!

And that brings us to the Bottom 3 (or Best of the Worst of Chicago).....

3 = Brandon Deputy Sheriff -
I'm not sure I remember the lyrics...Is it "I shot the Sheriff, but I didn't shoot the deputy" ??? You'd think I'd remember after he sang it 100 times in a row. Ok man...We get it...You're a DEPUTY so you think it's cool to sing the line over and over again!!!! And even that would've been fine if it wasn't in a different key and different notes sung every time! Oh...Such a good time!!!

2 = David Hoover - You know..The jumpy guy at the end that they decided to JUMP THE SHARK and let him through just because he was so ridiculously hyper. The guy couldn't sing....And either the producers thought it would be funny to let him through (since they've never let a bad person through)....Or Paula and Randy thought it would be fun to do so. Either way...It sets a bad precedent for the show. Yeah...I know it was a joke....But seriously? What's the point?

1 = Derrick Dupree - This guy was awesome. "I'm so good I even turn MYSELF on!" he also was so unnervous that his pits were soaked...ahhh good times. He could also sing in 3 pitches "Alto, Low, and Medium-High!" LOL....outstanding! I wish I wrote down the songs he was trying to sing...I forget...But he tried out all his pitches for the judges...And was absolutely awful....Then he requested for an hour to improve his performance...because he apparently can't be good "RIGHT AWAY" Simon allowed this for purposes of keeping the show's ratings up. When he returned...He sang a song...that I'm told is from Trading Places....But when he was asked about it....all he had to say was "I'm not sure of the title!" And naturally...It sounded ridiculous! Simon's comment was "it's like you're possessed and you came back as a six year old!"

And seriously...If Simon says "IF I'M BEING HONEST WITH YOU" one more time...that might be the end of my recaps because I won't even be watching!

THE BEST OF CHICAGO

I won't be as formal here. We're going to see a lot more of the best in weeks to come. Standouts were the Brittenum twins Terrell ("My Girl") and Derrell ("Ain't Too Proud to Beg" finally someone that can sing that on the show!) They were the larger guys with the long goatees. I thought they tore it up and may BOTH be good enough to make the top 12, time will tell. The other Twins Josh and Jarrett were good...But I may agree with Simon that they may not have made it in without their gimmicked twin performance. Then there were the crazy sisters Brooke and Leah Barrettsmith that also both made it....Paula was on the fence...But caved and let them in.

Then there was Mandisa who did Alicia Key's "Fallen".....she was a heaveyset woman who really could belt it out. Look out for her! Simon asked if the Stage was bigger this year..LOL. Paula said she's reminiscent of Frenchie (oh yeah...I saw her on broadway in November in RENT. she would've won Season 2 ...hands down if she didn't get kicked out for internet porn!) Simon said..."Forget Frenchie...she's like FRANCE!" ahhh simon....struggling for material.

Then we had our video of Gina and her being a dentist at home. Gee...I wonder if she'll make it to the next round! Yeah..she did....didn't hurt that she changed the lyrics to Celine's "power of love" to "And I'm your lady....And SIMON'S my maaaan"

Then we had 2 17 year old Crooners:
Zachary Smits "I'm in the mood for love" Paula was smitten right off the bat....And naturally..he's a minor. That's smart Paula...So close after the Corey Clark scandal! Simon was on the fence but they let him through.

David Radford - "Summer Wind" - they showed his whole family singing in a car at their house...I think he made it! Anyway they still showed us something new. Simon was the only one that was going to say Yes. Paula said he was too young. PAULA, you just let in a 17 year old!! And Randy said no but changed it to yes. And Davey made it in.

So...onto Denver tonight...hopefully we'll have some better bad auditions. I just want to get out of the auditions and on to the good stuff. Hopefully the audition recaps will hold us over until the real stuff begins.

Have a wonderful Day!